Morty's Cabin - Choose Your Poison - The Mind-Numbing Spectacle of Reality Television

By Marty Murray

It's the way things are today - everybody wants to be a star. We're no longer satisfied with letting people who have actual talent entertain us, whether they be actors or musicians or athletes. The standards that existed years ago are gone. Now that network television's floodgates have been opened in the quest for cheaper ways to get bigger ratings, anyone with delusions of grandeur and a willingness to make a spectacle of themselves in front of millions can try to grab that elusive spotlight for their fifteen minutes of fame. And for those willing to sacrifice their dignity at the altar of the golden calf, there could be a healthy financial payoff at the end of it as well.

What motivates a person to want to be a contestant on a reality program like Fear Factor, Survivor, or American Idol? Is it an unsatisfied need for attention or simply a case of greed, or maybe a combination of the two? What sort of person would allow themselves to be the brunt of a series of glorified hazing stunts for a mere payback of $50,000, of which they will only collect a portion of should they win - these are, after all, American programs and so subject to United States tax laws. It certainly can't be a sense of pride. Yeah, I was able to eat bugs and consume the entire raw contents of an ostrich egg without puking, and I'm going to put that on my resume so that everyone can admire my extraordinary abilities. It'll go down as one of my life's greatest achievements.

What sort of person would attempt to stand on a one foot square board attached to a buoy in the middle of a river for as long as they could endure the discomfort, as only one exhausting part of an elaborate, highly-staged scheme to win a million dollars? And once again, with a payoff that will be little more than half of the actual prize money? Call me boring, but I think it's easier to buy a lottery ticket, and I probably stand just as good a chance of winning, and because I'm Canadian I get to keep ALL of the money!

Richard Hatch, the winner of the first Survivor series, has certainly proved that greed is a definite part of his enviable personality. He didn't pay taxes on any of his winnings, nor on any subsequent money he made as a result of the show, and now it's quite likely that he'll have to stand trial. He claims that the producers of the show agreed to pay all of his taxes when he threatened to reveal that fellow contestants were cheating. (My God - Survivor is FIXED?!! Please tell me it's not so!!!) Richard is either very clever or very naive, but then again one has to wonder about a guy who would drop his drawers at every available opportunity in an effort to either intimidate or frighten his rivals. I'm sure he'll find himself a whole new audience in court.

And who would have figured that millions of people would tune in week after week to watch a pair of clueless bimbos work - and I use that term very loosely - across the rural south? The Simple Life indeed. A more accurate title for the show would have been "The Slutty Life," and television execs are still laughing on their way to the bank, astounded at their incredible good luck. Being a pimp has never been so easy.

There is a discomforting element of sadism in the televison audiences of today. How else to explain why people would actually enjoy seeing their fellow man being publicly humiliated? The steady parade of talentless wannabes at the beginning of each season of American Idol is almost unbearable to watch. Some of these people actually think they can sing and have a chance at the big time. Instead we gloat as they are sarcastically dressed down after an embarassing display of their meagre vocal skills, and watch as they slink off the stage with their tails between their legs, their dreams forever shattered. Who would have thought that the simple karaoke contest could be turned into such a ratings monster with just a good dose of overblown hype? And true, there are a few diamonds mixed in with the load of rocks, but for every Kelly Clarkson there are hundreds of cringe-inducing caterwaulers, and for me the payoff just isn't worth the torture of all that goes before it.

And why does the mean, sarcastic judge always have to be an Englishman? At least the British guy on Skating With Celebrities gives out some decent marks.

Now, in that show I've actually found something entertaining and enjoyable. I grew up watching figure skating - a result of my mother and my older sister's almost religious devotion to the sport. It's been wonderful, seeing former champions such as Tai Babilonia, Kurt Browning and Nancy Kerrigan skate again. This is a program that does require genuine talent, and is extremely challenging and very difficult to execute well. Despite those odds, I've been amazed at how well some of the pairs have performed their routines. Bravo!

For me, that's where the appeal of this show lies. The motivating factor isn't money or a pathetic need for attention, but a desire to accept a genuinely difficult challenge in the spirit of fun, and to strive to do the best that can be done under the circumstances as a matter of personal pride. To me that makes all the difference in the world.

I don't know about you folks, but I would love to watch a program where talented aspiring musicians or songwriters face off against each other for a chance at a real career in the music business. Where computer guys try to create a new exciting game, where young filmmakers compete to make a great short within a confined timeframe, or where former world class athletes still show us that they've got what it takes. That's real! Most "reality" television isn't. It's just embarrasing, and it's even more embarrassing that so many people are willing to watch this ridiculous sideshow, week after mind-numbing week.


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